I was literally looking into an empty space inside my head. There was absolutely nothing. My mind went completely blank. Usually, this state of mind is exactly what I wish for! Finally, peace in my head. But right now, I didn’t want this at all.
Freedom comes with a responsibility that can feel overwhelming. When nobody else gives you direction, you become 100% responsible for your own existence. It is always you, even when you don’t feel like it.
After taking the first major step in a life-long search for myself, I was left with many questions. At that time, I felt lost and confused. These are the five books that truly changed my life.
Staring at the breathtaking sunset from my top-floor apartment, I asked myself again: “Is this what life is about?” Then, a signal reached my “human antenna” multiple times in podcasts, conversations, and books: Ayahuasca.
I believe I was sensitive even before I was born. As a child, I was like a human antenna, always sensing the mood at home and elsewhere.
I arrived at the ‘Women Who Write’ workshop with excitement, not knowing ‘someone’ was waiting for me. During the first introductions, even before the event started, a few of us already said to each other, “No, I’m not a real writer.”
It seemed like such a simple question: what do you want to do? And yet I had no idea. There was nothing that felt available to me at the time. Not because it did not exist, but because I could not see it. I did not know what I wanted, and that made everything feel uncertain in a way that was difficult to sit with.
It is not a very popular thing to admit that you feel lonely, especially not at an age when you are supposed to have your life together. There is something around it, as if it means there is something wrong with you. And yet, it is a feeling that lives in many of us, whether we speak about it or not.
For as long as I can remember, I have never felt the desire to become a mother. And for a long time that quiet knowing was accompanied by a question I did not always dare to speak out loud. Is there something wrong with me?
Sometimes a relationship can look completely right on the outside… It took me more than a decade to recognize that a relationship can look completely right on the outside, while somewhere deep inside you start to feel that it no longer fits who you are becoming.
