This was my third writing workshop. After the first one, I just felt like an imposter. Now, I had a different experience. I realized my creativity is actually being censored. The topic of this workshop was ‘Humor’. I was grimacing more than I was laughing.
The blank page
The workshop was well-prepared. We learned about different types of humor and got a few exercises. For two of the assignments, it was essential to think of a personal situation and use it in our writing. That’s when I noticed something going wrong in my thought process.
I was literally looking into an empty space inside my head. There was absolutely nothing. My mind went completely blank. Usually, this state of mind is exactly what I wish for! Finally, peace in my head. But right now, I didn’t want this at all.
The other participants shared what they wrote. The whole group laughed. They absolutely succeeded in putting humor into their pieces. I laughed too, but not at my own work. After the workshop, a lady came up to me. “I didn’t hear any of your work,” she said. “Don’t you want to share anything?” I felt ashamed. I told her that I am a slow writer and simply didn’t finish the assignments.
The diagnosis
Once I got home, I was frustrated. It was a fun workshop, but I didn’t enjoy it, apart from hearing the funny work of others. I had to know why I drew that blank card.
I asked Gemini for help and described the situation. That is how I learned that my inner critic is censoring my creativity. It has become completely linked to judgment. Before I can even think of an idea, my mind already decides it’s not good enough. It is a protection strategy against rejection, failure, and shame.
I am usually quite critical in my conversations with AI, but this was spot-on. I don’t really know how to ‘just do something’. Without judging it, without it having to be good, without it having to be valuable.
The conditions for creation
But then I thought: I have known moments of creativity in the past. Like thinking out of the box to find solutions at work. Or writing blogs without an assignment, that just comes naturally. But honestly, those are the only situations I can think of. And even then, it still has to deliver a result. Plus, an important condition is that there is no pressure.
Funnily enough, I am convinced that I am a creative person, but I just can’t seem to access it right now. This might actually be good news. But how am I going to handle this?
The solution: Ugly writing
Creation without a goal is the goal. But if that inner critic is so strong that it forces me to draw blank cards, how am I going to make that happen?
Gemini gave me a suggestion: ‘ugly writing’. This means not writing to make something beautiful. Not writing for a new insight. Not writing for a result. It means allowing the writing to be completely useless.
My system needs to relearn that creating does not equal judgment. During ‘ugly writing’, I am going to write for 10 minutes every day about something that doesn’t matter at all. Something I will never look at again, and that never needs to be published.
My creativity is not gone. Everyone has access to this source, but something inside me has blocked the entrance. I am going to get to work with ‘ugly writing’ now, with the goal that it will turn into something beautiful one day. Just kidding 😉
Is your creativity ever blocked, and why?