The high-end prison
I had everything on paper: the perfect house, two cars in the driveway, the eleven-year relationship, the corporate career. But when COVID silenced the world, I looked at my “successful” life and realized I was living in a beautiful, high-end prison. On the outside, I had the perfect picture, but on the inside, I was living a life that was draining me. Staring at the breathtaking sunset from my top-floor apartment, I asked myself again: “Is this what life is about?”
It was not the first time I felt the emptiness. Deep down, I knew I would never be happy in a corporate job, but how could I pay the mortgage? I knew I didn’t want to live in the Netherlands forever, but I couldn’t just leave everyone, could I? I knew I’d rather grow old with two cats than with my partner, but we had been together for so long. Wasn’t this what “success” was supposed to look like?
These were the voices of my past and my surroundings that completely overshot my own intuition. I was stuck in the role of the responsible “good girl.” I was the perfect daughter, girlfriend, and colleague who tried to do everything right for everyone else. The emptiness became unbearable. I had tried coaches and therapies, but I was still stuck in this world that didn’t feel right anymore. Then, a signal reached my “human antenna” multiple times in podcasts, conversations, and books: Ayahuasca.
It seemed like my worst nightmare and my only way out at the same time. As a highly sensitive person, the idea of losing control was terrifying. All my life, I had adapted to others and the expectations of those around me, and I had so many limiting beliefs. Now, I was considering a medicine that would let me lose control. But what did I have to lose? I was already disconnected from my physical self. So, I booked my ceremony.
Tearing down the barriers
On the day itself, I felt calm. I was convinced that this was right for me. I tried to be the “Observer” and remain curious about what my inner world actually looked like without all the limiting beliefs. After drinking the plant medicine, my journey began. For a lifetime, I had held onto control to be the “good girl,” but now, I was forced to let go. I tried to fight it, but I was literally asked: “Do you want change or not?” I did. The medicine took over.
The experience was impossible to put into words. Wondrous, heavy, intense, and profound. The “magic” I once knew as a child returned in full force. I saw the most vibrant colors and wonderful patterns. One of the most beautiful moments was when I saw love and hearts flowing directly out of my own chest. I realized it was the source of a deep love I had to offer the world. The “responsible girl” mask slipped away, revealing what was underneath.
However, light cannot exist without dark. And for a while, the journey was very, very dark. I became incredibly cold, convinced the air conditioning was set to freezing. There was no light to be seen and I found myself naked, extremely vulnerable, in the most depressing bathroom you’ve ever seen.
During the journey, I had stood face-to-face with my greatest fear: suicide. I realized that this was holding me back from making the changes I wanted. I was afraid that if I left my safe, “perfect” path, I would end up in a deep, dark gutter that would be impossible to get out of. It felt like going back to that phase when I was a teenager and convinced I didn’t belong here.
My first words upon “landing” were: “I am never doing this again.” I didn’t yet realize that the real work was just beginning. Later, it came to me that because I had faced this fear, I had actually lived through it during my journey. And this made me realize I don’t have to be afraid of it anymore. I could feel it from the inside: I can trust myself. I don’t have to go there anymore. From now on, I can follow my compass, my truth.
No more numbness
The aftermath was where my body took over. The “numbness” I had lived in for years was gone, replaced by a physical urgency. Whenever my head tried to fight for the old, safe life, my body gave me signals. I felt a crushing restlessness and struggled to breathe. The message was clear: I literally had to change my life to make the physical pain stop. My body was in charge now and showed me the way.
I had no other choice. The first step was ending my relationship. It was enormously painful, but I knew I had to do it. It was the moment I took the first steps out of the prison I had built for myself. As I took that first step into the unknown, I could finally, truly, breathe. Leaving my prison was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it was the only way to find out who I really am.
Have you ever created your own prison?
Important: This story is by no means an encouragement to use plant medicine; I am simply sharing my personal journey. Please do your own extensive research if you are interested. Plant medicines are powerful and profound tools, but proper guidance is crucial. For questions about my journey, you are welcome to message me directly.