The responsibility that comes with freedom and what it really takes
April 9th. A date that felt like a victory.
It marks exactly two years since I stopped working as an employee. Two years of freedom. But as the date approached, the critical voices in my head became loud. Instead of celebrating, they told me: “What have you actually achieved? You’re still doing nothing.”
Even in Bali, surrounded by palm trees and silence, the old corporate identity in my head was still checking imaginary KPIs.
I recently had a week, like many, that I would have called a vacation in my old life. I went to the gym, had dinners out, went swimming, had an acupuncture session. I attended a writer’s workshop and a movie night. I even spent a whole day just lounging after a bad night of sleep.
By Sunday night, the voice said: You haven’t ‘produced’ a single thing. You haven’t ‘delivered’ anything to the world. For a long time, I was convinced that boredom should be avoided. I spent my life managing things: work, relationships, household, sports. I believed that it was normal to be busy and that this was the way to feel valuable.
Now, I am unlearning that being “productive” is the same as being “worthy.”
Some days feel easy. Other days feel like I have to catch up on a huge emotional backlog. On those days I wish the voices in my head were kind and supportive instead of critical. So I’m working on reprogramming the voices, nurturing my inner child, grieving the family I wish I had, allowing myself to feel my emotions, doing somatic work to release the tension stored in the body.
In this new life, all external structure has disappeared. When every day can be anything, it can become chaotic, distracted, and feel like a daze. Thanks to growing up with discipline, I can create rhythm for myself. I plan my workouts, my deep work, my meals. There is nobody else doing it for me, so I do it myself.
Yet, I still find myself scrolling vacancies, mostly on days when I’m tired or had a bad night of sleep. It happens because some moments I get tired of motivating myself, deciding what to do, and where to go. In those moments, a simple part-time job sounds attractive. Not because it is my dream, but because a part of me still feels safer when I ‘deliver’.
It reminds me of a prisoner I heard in a podcast. He admitted he preferred life “inside” over life “outside.” Inside, he just had to follow the rules and there was no pressure to perform or deliver. He knew what was expected. Life was clear, predictable, and safe.
I understand him now. Freedom forces the question: Who am I when I am not my job, my sport, or my status?
When nobody else gives you direction, you become 100% responsible for your own existence. You have to take every initiative. You have to organize it. You have to motivate yourself. You have to hold yourself accountable. It is always you, even when you’re tired or don’t feel like it.
Freedom comes with a responsibility that can feel overwhelming. Even if you are not a criminal, you can still live inside your own prison. That is what I did for many years, mostly without realizing it. And once I became aware of it, I was terrified of what would happen if I finally broke free.
Today I am incredibly grateful that I did. It was scary, yes. Even though it is hard work to deal with old beliefs and the process of finding the real me, I am not going back to my prison.
I want to feel valuable and lovable even when I have “nothing to show for it.” Even when I spend my days resting, healing, trying to discover a new way of living, or simply staying home. I don’t want to live “inside” anymore, even if that structure sometimes feels easier. I would rather do the difficult, messy work of learning how to truly live “outside.”
It’s a job in itself to process the past, build a new life, and reprogram the voices to unlearn the idea that I have to “earn” my right to exist through a to-do list. So for now, I’ll leave those vacancies where they are.
Are you still holding yourself in prison, simply because the rules there feel safe?