At times, I wish I were less aware. Less sensitive. Less tuned in to every emotion, every atmosphere, every subtle shift in energy around me.
But then I wonder: would I really want to give it up?
Maybe it pushes me in the right direction because eventually all other options become impossible?
The gift of awareness
Observing your own thoughts. Recognizing your patterns. Actively working to change them. If you can do that, you can grow tremendously. Grow in the sense of becoming closer to yourself. Having healthier friendships and relationships. Knowing better what suits you and what does not.
Awareness can become a guide. It helps me recognize what is aligned with me and what is not.
The burden of sensitivity
Being sensitive to energies, to other people’s moods, but also to sound, light, and atmosphere. It can be exhausting when you are not in the right place. So in a way, it forces you to search for the right places and the right people.
But if you are so aware and sensitive to everything, when do you actually get to rest? Only when all circumstances are exactly right for you?
The fantasy of simplicity
Sometimes I think: I wish I were simple. Not so aware of everything. I wish I could just have a simple life like so many others seem to have. At least that is how it looks from the outside. And when I talk to some people, I even think that is how they experience life on the inside as well.
At the same time, another part of me thinks: no, I do not want a superficial life. And if I want the highs, then perhaps I also have to accept the lows.
So is the purpose of awareness and sensitivity to guide me toward the places where I am at my best? And when I am at my best, am I also able to be the best version of myself for others?
I believe the purpose of life is to experience it. And awareness and sensitivity certainly contribute to that. Because how can we truly experience life if we don’t allow ourselves to feel?
Learning how to feel without immediately reacting to those feelings has been one of my biggest lessons.
What vipassana taught me
It brings me back to my Vipassana experience, where I learned once again not to judge what we feel. They are simply sensations, but as humans we are inclined to label them. Good, bad, pleasant, unpleasant, right, wrong. And from those labels arise cravings, resistance, and the tendency to cling to things.
When I’m sad, I immediately want it to stop. When joy appears, I want it to stay forever. Vipassana taught me that both impulses create suffering.
Knowing something is very different from applying it. And there are moments when it is exhausting to be continuously occupied with that process.
My friends and I sometimes say to each other that it is a miracle we are still standing strong. Because some moments are simply too much, too overwhelming, too dark.
Numbing ourselves can be tempting, but it is only a short-term solution.
So I return to observing. Without judgment. Experiencing the sensation. Ending the suffering.
And yet, healthy distraction can be very welcome in some of those moments. A good movie. Delicious food. Meeting up with friends.
Maybe it’s all part of the journey
I guess all of the above is part of being human.
So perhaps it can only be a gift. Because I believe life is ultimately for us, not against us.
Some days I still wish life were quieter. Less intense. Less demanding. But maybe that process of finding alignment is also part of the journey.
And then I sit with a friend, watch a sunset, or feel the first warmth of the sun on my skin. And I remember that sensitivity is also what allows me to experience those moments so deeply.
If you could choose, would you rather feel less deeply or experience life more fully?